Friday, 21 August 2009

15 Movies in 15 minuites.

This is shamelessly nicked, from a facebook thingy, and a mates blog. think of 15 films that have stayed with you, and why. It's harder than you think, but short.

1) One of our dinosaurs is missing. First film I remember seeing in the cinema. Cranbrook regal If I remember right.

2) Star wars. Nothing else before had quite this impact. Masterpeice.

3) Empire Strikes Back. Same reason.

4) Return of the jedi. (Look, this is not that lazy, ok...)

5) The Killing fields. - the most powerful film I have ever seen. Amazing.

6) Wild at heart. John Lynch, and Nic Cage, whgen he was good and talented. Great film.

7) Resovoir Dogs. - Quentin Tarrentino, and Nowhere near as violent as the media made out.

8) Lord of the Rings, the fellowship of the ring. Unbeleivabley good adaptation.

9) LOTR the two towers. See above.

10) LOTR The retuirn of the king. Yup, samr eason as 8 and 9.

11) Blues brothers. Dan ackroyd and john belushi at their funniest.

12) Rocky Horror Picture show. - needs no ezplanation.

13) Last tango in paris. Marlon brando in a very sleezy role.

14) The devils. Ken russell, Oliver read, and naked women...what else is their.

15) Beowulf and grendel. the danish version, not the more well known one. Just a much better film.

Monday, 10 August 2009

Article in guardian online.

Read this article this morning: and feel I need to share it on here. WHY? Because it is probably the most inaccurate piece of gobshite this side of the daily mail. Do we Facebookers, etc have freinds as people we don't actually know? Look at your list, |I am sure that as with me, the vast majotity are people that you have met, either old faces from school, work etc, far flug family members or new freinds.those that I haven't met are freinds of freinds that share the same interests. It never replaces "real" contact, just enhances it when we are enable to be in their company. It really rplaces letter writing, - the contact, the sharing of the how are you, what have you beeen up to, is more immediate, and can happen more often, As a result, freindhips over distance are maintained and deepen. and it's cheeper than the phone

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

catch up.

Well, here I am once more, it's been 1two weeks since my last confession....

Harrogate was fantastic. The lack of funds did not spoil it for me, and was a great experience, and one I will do again next year.
I have started to write my novel...It is taking shape, and the plot is evolving as I have more ideas. I think It is good idea, and will see if I can carry it throgh, 6,000 words in, and 90 odd thousand to go...tall order , but lets see what happens.
What else is good....Well, May well have a new woman in my life, lets just say that it is going well with her at the mo, and that is suiting me well. Sooo is all well in Ronnie land, or is their clouds forming?
Sadly, yes their is. Work looking shakier by the minute, and The kids situation , well, I await sept 18th with baited breath, hopefully, will go in my favour, but we will see. Also, Money is tight, and I still have the limbo feel that I have felt ofr months. I need to sell the house, I need to just get out of here, but I can't, because SHE won't give me permission. grrr.
Sod It, let's end on happy thoughts, I am going to try and fill this a bit more with other stuff, so you have been warned......

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

At last, it's here

Well, at last it has arrived. Over the next few days, myself along with scores of other crime novel enthusiasts will descned on the Yorkshire town of Harrogate. It will be a chance to meet up with freinds, old and new., listen to an author or two, maybe pick up some tips for my own feeble attempts to actually write a novel, and have a beer of many. I am looking forward to this, as it is a holiday for ME, doing my thing, getting back into a social groove that I badly need. Mind you, with the beaurocratic cock ups, wasps and other hitches, its a wonder that I made it all,but I did.

Other good things are going on in my life right now, watch this space.....

Saturday, 18 July 2009

That was the week that was.

phew. What a week. Started kicking of after WWW's usual nasties, athough this time she she attacked through my mother, which is unforgivable. I was upset for a couple of days, and took it all to heart too much. I just do not get WHY she is doing this. I mean, SHE left me, so is she trying to justify it all in someway by paintging me as the evil one in all of this? ME who worked my ass off over the years for her and the kids. ME who put up with her strange freindship with the other to asswipes, because I was her husband, and they were her freinds. ME who did more with the kids in a moth than she bothered to do in 10 years. Now I am seen as the villian. Well, she can just KISS MY ASS on that one. I will not give in on this, and will not be dictated to by her. Will fight back, and weill keep on fighting back until the world sees her her for the miserable lyning evil good for nothing lazy cow that she really is. GRRRRRRR

Ahem, on a happier note, HArrogate beckons, and I am so looking forward to that now. 5 days on crime novels, authors and damn good mates is just what I need.

Oh yes, and some good things happening on other fronts too....will keep ya posted.

Monday, 13 July 2009


Well, Having a mixed time at the moment. Really enjoyed spending yesterdays with my Girls - weldests birthday over the weekened, and made sure, with a little help from my parents and my cuz, that it was a good day. Back up to wonderfull daddy status again. But boy, the comedown is tough. I missed what we had planned for her birthday because of the situatiion, and I really miss having them around. did not have a good nights sleep, and was in a real down mood all day.
Work is beginning to worry me - so much so that I am beginning to job hunt again.I NEED to get out of sales.
The other thing that is bothering me is that I still feel stuck in limbo - just waiting to get the nod to sell the house, and, although I love it, and the location and everything, I need to be shot of the memories now - I have moved on in so much, but can't quite feell happy about the emptyness of this place - It used to be filled with so much fun and laughter over the years, and as much as I am trying, it is beginning to haunt me.

Lets have a postive - one of my best mates came down last weekend, and had a really great time - I can't beleive that this was the first time we actually met "in the flesh" - we talk both on the phone and on t'internet so much, and I am glad that we both went away not dissapointed. Harrogate is looming, and I am really exited about it now - Will be seeing some really good mates, and (hopefully) forging some new freindship on the way.

Right, just need to sort my head out, and will be back to my usual sunny self.

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Ok, so what, Life can get in the way if it wants to.

OK, a lot to catch up on, I have been very remiss about posting on here of late, mainly because life has a habit of sneaking up on me, catching me unawares, and leaving me precious little time for this.

So, went to court , got more time with the girls, which is great, but still supervised, which is less so. It is putting a strain on an already strained relationship with my parents, I mean, I am grateful to them for doing this, but with them it always comes with a condition or many attached - I find myself, at 37, having to justify why I am who I am, why I have not curled up in a darkened room every night, why I have a social life, and that is beginning to piss me off big time. But still, It's only once a fortnight, and that is bearable I suppose.

What came with the court was her statement, which is as big a work of fiction as any contender for the Booker prize. In order to defend myself, I have to resort to dragging her through the mud, again, I have to justify everything, It seams that since the events of the 2nd jan, she can use that as a reason for everything. I am disgusted as well, by what I have been hearing about what i going on, or perceived to be going on, by the community about those three, and the fact that my kids are exposed to it is worrying me greatly. I am hoping that when all the reports are done and dusted, the truth Will come out, and things can get better.

Work is, well, work, although new opportunities may be presenting themselves, which would be good.

As to the female situation, well, I don't know what is going on, but I am going to have fun finding out.

Three big events coming up, firstly, the midsummer solstice celebrations at the long man on Sunday. I missed the Beltane - kids visit day, but I am looking forward to going back. Then, beginning of July, I finally get to meet in person the woman who I count as my best mnate - Even though we have shared tears, laughter, (and that confusion months ago) - that we talk/text/msn daily, and are very close, we have never actually met. I am looking forward to it. And finally, 5 weeks time, I will be in Harrogate, at the Theakstons old peculiar crime festival. I can't wait. So many new and old faces to see, and so many writers up there, It is going to be the highlight of the year so far for me.

Well, I will try and not leave it so long until I post again, so, take care, enjoy yourselves and above all, find one thing oin your day to make you smile.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

The Nature of the Beast*

So, back to the Blog. And a thought, that has stayed my hand for the past couple of months. THis is supposed to be my thoughts, my coping with it all, and yet If I write about stuff on here, and people read it, and get upset, or even worse, use it against me, how do I react when I I am talking about stuff on here that maybe should remain private. Well, I have wrastled with this problem for days now, and come to this conclusion, Nothing I say on here is nothing I am afraid to say to there faces, so If I post ity on here, you know about it already. If you don't like it, don't read it.....

So, whats been happening in Ronnieland of late. Well, the girls fiorst. I am kinda settling down into the routine of seeing them as and how I do. I miss them terribly, and worry about them, I am still not happy with their livingarrangements, BUT I can't do anything about it for now, so I ave to sit tight, and try not to let it worry me, it is not going to consuke me anymore, I have my life to lead, and I ned to stride towards it, not dwell on what I am missing - Wu Wei - go with the flow.

So, What has been happening? well, job going well, and I am enjoying it , which is good. And so onto to the personal life....lets just say that someone new has entered my life in a big way, and I haven't stopped grinning all week. Lets see eh.

(* Sorry smudge mate, appropiate title)

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Things are Moving

OK, So, got my draft Divorce papers through today, things are beginning to happen, and that is giving me a good feeling right now. I am happier that I have been for years, if the truth be told. (apart from the situation with my girls of course)

The one thing I have gained out of all of this is good freinds. To all of you, I say thanks. My only problem is the majotity of them are scatterred far and wide, soo meeting up "in the flesh" is hard. That will have to change when I am down to 5 day weeks. I will have to spend some time just VISITING people.thanks to the wonders of tinternet, I able able to spend my evenings in fantastic company, but sometimes you need to actually see people in the flesh.

Still, I now while away the most of my evenings on Poker on F/b. All for fun of course, and a new bunch of peeps that I am glad to have freinds. John, Bry, chelle, Carla, kelly jim and Karen, great bunch all. Ta to Vix for introducing me. Again, all scattered, but hey, its a fun way to spend the evening.

well, other stuff going well, all in all know what...I'm happy!!

Sunday, 10 May 2009

an update

Sorry peeps, I have not been as often posting on here of late. Truth is, I have nothing much to say. Work is going OK, a lot to absorb, quickly, and now the real test begins, turning in results. I am confident there.
I miss the girls terribly, one afternoon a fortninght is not enough time to spend with them, But again, I have to bite down hard on all of that, and play their game, at l;east until common sense can prevail again. I hate the three of them for what they have done to me, and I will grab with both hands the chance to watch hthe hoisted by their own petard. Time will out, and the truth will come out, and then, well, I look forward to that moment,.
Apart from that, life is ticking nicly. Spend far too much time on facebook, and on Poker in the evenings, no money, don't panic, butt it is a fun way to relax, and chat to new and existing freinds.
Because that really is what it is all about, freinds. People who laugh, cry and support each other, and I am lucky to have such good ones.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Well, I'm sitting here enjoying a rare treat - have treated myself to kebab and chips, because I feel I desrve it. It's bben a hard week - so much to learn, take in and do in the new job leaves me all but fried by the time I get home. Plus myy day off is spent working because I have to, unpaid, so I don't get much time off.
My life is still governed partly by the lies from the liers mouth, unless I get proof of what she says I doubt it all. It's safer that way and I would rather deal with it that way from the outset, than pretend it's truthe truth, untill it kicks me up the arse later.
I am slowly starting to sort the dosh related stuff out, easier now I have a job, so less worries on my mind.

So what else has been happening??? Well lets just say the grin on my face has got larger this week, because, well, lets just sayy that things are right again, that I am not afraid to walk down that road with someone, because hell, the journey as just as good as the detination, esp when it is with a foxy lady like her. AS for down the line, who knows, lets just enjoy the moment.

(done it again, WAY to much Kebab. never mind. Jake loves kebab esp with chilli sauce, so he has enjoyed it too.)

Started to draw aces again.

Friday, 24 April 2009


Celebrations are in order her? WHY


Yup, a job. at last. earning my way ion the world. Not gonna say too much about it, you know how I like things to be anonymouse.

now the bad. Eldest had an op tody - grommits fitted. She needed them, and came through ok, as I expected, but is it selfish of me to want to be there? maybe. Just one of those thiongs I suppose. I will get over it, remember, "WHAT DON'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU MORE STRONG" and, well, in the words of gammer weatherwax..."I AINTENT DEAD" SO HA.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

I know I haven't posted anything for a while - a naff internet connection over the weekend and life getting in the way saw to that sadly.
So, Sunday, saw my girls and seeing them again on Thursday. That is good - at least I am seeing them again, albeit not in a way that I am entirely confortable with, but I have to put up with that and play by theiir rules....for now. Once the silly shit is over, and the lies seen for what they are, things can start to change.
I also have had to make big descisions, which doesn't sit comfortably with me, but I have had to do it. Start processes that will mean more upheaval for me but It will all be to the good in the end...I hope.
Job interviews are still comming, which is good - I need to concentrate on those and hopefully will be back in employment soon, and then I can start to again with a fresh hand, and begin to pull myself out of what I am in now.
For now, My goals at the start stilll remain - I want to live for myself a bit, and have the best relationship I can with my girls that is what is important.
Three days internetless made me realize just HOW much it is important - jobsearch, and keeping in contact with those people who are so significant in my life, despite the shit, and the aggro, I can't lose those connections, those people who are there for me.right, job interview in a bit, so I have to gop, but will try and write on here a bit more - I have no anger about the things she is doing, just frustration, and a burning desire to se her caught out by her own lies - It will happen, she can't pull it of forever.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Now I've upset the person I didn't want to upset.....dammit.

Scared as Shite

Well, Now today is over, all I can think about is tomorrow, and that is scaring the hell out of me. It is made worse by the fact that it is all based on lies and twists of the truth, I am hoping that the truth will comne out, but, as terry (pratchett) once said, "A lie will go around the world before the truth has its boots on" (The truth) AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM. People who know me, know it is not true of me. BUT well, I am hopefull that it will be seen that way wider.

It is all starting to get on top of me again, I thank the gods that I have such good mates, who can listen without critisism, and just be there for me, as I am for them with there problems - A sort of mutual support network.

I miss my girls sooo much, and so want to get back to playing a big role in their lives, and NO FUCKER, NO FUCKER is gonna take that from me again. I have to play the game more than I have, and swallow more than I should perhaps, but I will do that if I have to. one step at a time is what it is gonna take.

Will tell more tommorrow.

Friday, 27 March 2009

another week done

Well, another week over, and thing are looking up on the job front - More interviews, including a second one on tues, so gingers crossed, I may well soon be employed again.
Other matters are getting serious - more scary stuff, and thgings I can't really face - I still don't know what is gooing on, but weds hopfully will see that sorted a bit better I hope.

And then there is...... scince our joint descision, we are still getting on well, talking again more than ever, I still don't know where it will all end up, and I am looking forward to finding out, wherever that is.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Calm Down

I have just read a "self help Book" regarding anger called Calm down by Dr paul Hauk. It is very insightful, and I would recomend it to anyone with similar problems.

What it has taught me is that the problems that |I have at the mo, and in the past, do not make my ANGRY, only FRUSTRATED. Anger is the way I deal with those frustrations. Once you can see that, then when these issues occur, you can effectivly deal with the way you feel about them, and look at other ways of controling the situation.
I have tries it out yesterday, on the way to the Druid Gathering at the Long man (thaks all, was a wonderful day as usual). A big flash point with me is oither drivers. They're were a number of times when things happened that frustrated me - a slow driver, or someone turning without signalling, that kind of thing, and whereas before, I would automatically turn angry, yesterday I paused, said to myself " This is frustratiung me, but angery will only make be more frustrated" and took a deep breath, It worked, and I had a much more enjoyable journey as a result. ...Now to apply to the other matter....that will be tougher.

On another note, because of the shit we are both dealing with, me and.... are trying to cool things down a bit to let our headspaces be clearer. It is a mutuall thing, but not because either of us have stopped the way we feel, just that the situations in both are lives are too complicated to put any more pressure on them. It is the right thing to do...I think. I don't know what will happen in the long term with it all, but right now, it is a desision made by the head, and certaintly not the heart. But still, we will see what happens.

(at the moment, I have lost all my aces....)

Saturday, 21 March 2009

On a lighter note...

....Spent yesterday in the company of some new freinds, and a few beers, and a bloody good time. There is a life out there I need to focus on that, and revisit my objectives again I think.
Ronnie needs.....

Time for self-examination Ronnie, me old son...

Well, The events going on at the moment, which I can't go into here, are leaving me scared, frightened, and angry.
I am scared, because I could end up losing everything - That is what is attempting to happen.
I am angry because words have been twisited, that events made to be worse than they were perhaps, but more at myself....
why myself? well, The root cause of my problems is me...and my temper. There, I've admitted it. It is all my fault. 90% of the time, I am the nicest, Mildest person you ever want to meet. that is the real me. BUT When I blow, Iblow big time.That is my problem. I am scary. I frighten people. I come across as the monster I am not the rest of the time. That is why I am trying to seek help, but the couselling service keeps putting off my appointments. SO I have to try and deal with it myself. Which can be tough when everything is going against me - Job, house, and of course the situation regarding my kids. I am such a wound up spring at the moment because everything is going wrong, that the monster awakes more and more. If I could put him to sleep, I would, but when people refuse to dicuss things reasonably, I can't help it, I blow more now than ever. That is my fault. despite all the lies and BS that is going on, I can't deny that once again, my temper has got the better of me.
Frightened, yes frightened that I won't get to grips with this, and that It will occur again with.....I can't let that happen. I HAVE to get to grips with this, before it destroys everything.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Help me

I am upset, hurt, confused and scarred - it's all gone tits up.

Thank the Gods again for the freinds that care. you know who you are.

I don't know what is happening, and I don't know what is going on, It is scaring me silly.

Monday, 16 March 2009


OK, so why can't I let things be when it comes to the girls??? Why am I getting angry with G when I try to talk rationally about them. She says that she doesn't spend enough time with them...wel that is nonsense - sahe has them more often that I do, the fact that the evil one wants them once a month still is not my fault and not my problem. I would have said tough shit to her if it was my P's - things have changed and that means that the rules have to be rewritten. - I am bending backwards for her at the mo - taking time out of my weekend with the kids to let her have the girly bridesmaid dress with my sis - that is something that I had NO hesitation in doing. So why is she turning me down when I asked for one day, not even that, one meal with the girls extra??? I don't want to be angry and arsey over this - it is the only part of the situation that still rubs me raw - SHE left for her new fella, I am cool with that. SHE took the kids away, and is being arsey about be spending time with them - that I can't cope with at all. I am so frightened of losing them - of losing the relationship I have with them, and IAM THE INJURED PARETY HERE. it wasn't me that walked out on them - she had no bloody right to take my girls with her - it was her desisicion to leave, and that was that. I am trying to dealwith it all, but I hate the fact that I haven't got that everyday relationship with them , and also jelous as hell about the amount of time that D is able to spend with his - I WANT THE SAME TREATMENT. why canb't I....why are yopu trying to push me out of their lives - that is what it is beginning to feel like. I will tyry and remain calm when i talk to her about them...but it will not be easy.I need to try - if i am calmer, then things will return nicely again.

(Missing someone soo much right now)

Sunday, 15 March 2009

what a weekend.

OK, the bed still smells of your purfume, reminding me that you were here, that it was not some wonderful dream.
I really had a good time - being with you was so nice, and felt so right - felt like we had been together for a lot longer and I really didn't want you to go back - but you had to be back, and the kids will always come first - I agree with that.
This road we are starting is going to be a long one, and not easy - but I am sure that the journey will be good.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009


Well, some big happenings in my world at the moment, that are having my head in a spin.
Firstly, I may have a Job at last - Got a weeks trial in a couple of weeks, so fingers crossed that will be and I get taken on permenantly.

Secondly, The whole thing with the Community punishment has been sorted out, and I have to do unpaid work in a local charity shop, once a week for the next 18 months or so...My fault really, Its the whole temper issue I have which overboiled. People played me knowing the reaction I would give, and much to my shame I didn't dissapoint. That will raise a whole series of issues with seeing the kids, just gotta work through them

And then there is V. The woman that means sooo much to me right now, Who just takes me for who I am, doesn't judge, just keeps being there. She is down this weekend - The first steps in a journey taking us who knows where ...but I know I am gonna enjoy the ride.

So, why do I keep losing it a bit when It comes to my girls - Why can't I help myself, when I start talking to G with the best intentions, and end up all twisted and bitter about the arrangements with the kids? Is it because I am scared of losing them? Jelouse that D has them whenever he wantts, but G won't give me that same luxery? Or feeling usurped in the father role? perhaps all three. Gods, I need my cousellor next week - that will do me some good.

Sunday, 8 March 2009

grrr moment

Why am I made to feel that I have no right to be raw and hurting that another man gets more time with my kids thatn me.
why are my in laws pure evil, and living to drive a wedge between me, her and the girls.
Why do I feel bad for wanting to spend as much time with them as I can.
why won't you stop being so bloody selfish and play fair...

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Enter the bunny of happiness

Well, It is over...the scary day. I have 18monthgs community service to do, because of what happened at the start of the year. I am not proud of it, but man enough to hold my hands up and say yes, I did it. - Just have to moive forward now....

Job interview went well - I have to make a desision, but will think over weekend on that.

And then we met - a snatched hour and at wasn't long enough, but long enough to make me realize that I want you, and that is goping to tricky, and a lot of stuff may have to change, but lets see where irt goes.
I have decided that I am not going to mention the custody thing again, It is not the right time, and the last thing I want to do is piss anybody off, and ruin things, so will let it all be and see what happens. As long as the currrent arrangements stand, I will be ok - I do see her point of view c- two hour drive late in the evening put lots of things into perspectives....

Can't wait until next weekend.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Sleeples night again

3 am and I am awake. Why? well, today is the scary day, and afterwards, I will have one less worry habging over me.

But More still on the other issue. I woke up with it on my mind, so I must be dreaming about it. I need to be on an equal footing with G wihen it comes to the children.I am their father for Chrissake. I have an equal say in what they do in how they are brought up and everything. I am not trying to deny G her right in that, so why is she doing the same to me. The best and fairest way for the whole situation to be resolved is the 50/50 custody - it is my right as a father as much as it is G's right as a mother. The fact that she even has to think about it is hurtful enough, like I am begging for scraps at her table hjaving to be content with those scraps that I am given, and that is not the right way for things to be.
I thought we were freinds still. I want to be freinds still. saturday night proved that we can be that. Why then can't this be dealt with freindly - when I thought that this was the way we are going? why did my suggestion provoke such a reaction within you. You are not soley responsible for OUR children. D doesn't enter into this now, the girls are yours and mine - and at the moment, What I periceeve as your godsdamn selfishness is tearing me apart You have the nerve to talk to me about trust....i am trying to trust you - to trust you that you are wanting to be freindly in sorting stuff out. you pushed me to talk before I was ready, before we both were ready to discuss this and knocking back they way you appear to be does nothing to ease that. How do I know that you won't backtrack on the arragements we have made...because I trust that you wont. I tyrust you. I am not trying to take the girls away, just be on an equal fotting.Why can't you try and see it my way for once - I have had to see your way enough.

Right, vent over, maybe I can sleep again

( This is My vent space, and and am entitled to say what I want on here It is home to my innermost fears and hopes - It vent so I can face the situations calmly )

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

too fast????

ok, so, I broached the subject today, or rather G read this and asked me. So I told her. I expected her to be ok, to say it was a workable thing, but I was wrong.she needs time to think about it, which is fair enough, I am trying not to over reacted, I nearly did again,. but I pulled mysel;f back from it.
I have wounds too - I have issues about trust - I need the kids to be on a sounder footing - the 50/50m thing - so I feel secure - I have said before that I don't know how to do the acess thing.She talks about trust -I know because of my temper, things went bad, and I accept that. BUT i need to trust her as well - esp where the relationship with the kids goes. I hope she can understand that. - I want to be freinds , freinds trust each other and don't let each other down.

On a better note, I have someone special in my life right now, It's complicated, but she makes me sooo happy and well, watch this space blog fans

Monday, 2 March 2009

Poo's thoughtful spot

went down to the ashdown forest with the dog this afternoon, and had a nice walk, and gathered a lot of thoughts. There are still issues that I have, regarding the children and how often I see them - I really enjoyed having them for a longer period of time, I think it is less hassle for them, to have one block here, and one block there. I need to talk to G about that, but now is not the time - she is in the middle of two night shifts...I think it will work bettter anyway. dimplomacy, that is what the tarot said today, calm diplomacy.

The freindship between g and I is slowly comming back - I am jelous of the relationship that h has with them all - I want that, with G - not to be there all the time that is just weird, but that strong reindship, where the kids really benefit, that is what I am jealous of, but I know that due to the issues, that will take longer.

(I want to go to bournmouth now!!!)

Saturday, 28 February 2009

heres to the future

Well, wnet out last night, had fun, drunk lots, sat in the naughty corner and had a ciggie or two, and bloody enjoyed myself - it was nice to be relaxed again.

So, what am I thinking right now? do I feel alone? Well, NO, I don't. I know I have freinds that I can meet up with, new freinds. and the same old ones always there, so I don't feel alone - in fact, I feel less alone now than I did BEFORE the split.

So, what makes me feel strange....limbo. I am in a complete state of Limbo. I ned weds to be over, and the job situation to be resolved, so I can start to plan for myself and my future more. she is settled, and in a postion where she can move on and up, and I feel like the poor relation a bit - In the house still because it is all "in dispute"

Also, My relationship growing deeper everytime we talk. and we do talk now - over the phone, not just online anymore - one more step forward.I can't make many concrete descisions about where I am going, without wondering id .... is going to be a part of that.whole new doors are opening there for both of us, and I do think that she is someone very special. we will have to see what is going to happen, But my thoughts are already looking to that possiblity.

whats, wheres and whys dominate at the moment, and I need no more curve balls to distract me from what I want.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

roller coasters

Well, made a start on sorting the kitchen out today - we have agreed what i can get rid of and what she wants, and then I find a phot of the four of us together - me, her and the kids. Happy times, and I get upset. then the call from him - youngest has fallen over at school, and he has picked her up. I get annoyed by this - WHY - because that is my job I suppose. i got really shouty,, again, and i shouldn't have. I am trying to stop that. but once I started, I couldn't stop. I need to really apologise without the anger thing, I just felt replaced.I know I have had them all week, but even so, I can't just switch off.
I shouldn't have got angry It was over nothing

( I think I have too much testosterone, I need to get laid)

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

long time, no post

so much has happened since I have last blogged - All of it good, and I have had no time to update this.
Firstly, I have a second interview tommorw, it is a good job, and one I want, so I am hoping that it goes ok.

Secondly, My relationship with the ex and him is getting better - they have been round here, and we are really talking and freindly. I am sort of ok with it all now, but I am relaxing, and thinking Wu Wei, and. I think that well get better after the weekend though.

Why? because I am meeting someone for the first time "in the flesh" - I am really loking forward to it. Scary how quickly things have happened, and a long road to go, but It feels right.

Thursday, 19 February 2009


well, It is official, I now have a cousellor/ therapist. went to the first session just now, and immediatly started talking ans couldn't shut up.
The inevitable question - tell me about your childhood - started me off, and the reason why I turn into a tight ball of anger and rage was explored - I need more sessions, but the next one won't be for another month...i NEED IT NOW grr

So what else did we talk about...well my relationship with work, my relationship with G, but also what happened the other night, between me and V. how I am backing off, not becaise of I don't have those feelings, but because I don't want to inflict my temper on you.

The truth of the matter is, I don't know.


I think that I am going to give it all up and become a hermit....

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Tuesday, bloody Tuesday

Bloody hell, what happened yesterday. Everybody having a go at everybody else - Me and G, me and D, D,G and H, and me and V. Firstly the Me and them row - this was over what others had said - trying to dria a wedge between me and G - using the kids to do it. That pissed G off, and then when Dave daved, and Ronnie Ronnied, it all overspilled. but all patched up, and all freinds again. ( I sooo loved seeing all the kids again. it was special. and glad H and I have patched things up.)
Now to me and V. that was a row, but over, I think, the fact that she was off that a lot of my freinds are women. well, I'm sorry, Jo, Alison and G are my three best freinds, and nothin is gonna come in they way - its part of the whole package thing, I'm afraid. If you can't accept that, or can't accept that I can spend a few hours in the company of someone, and resist advances, the yah boo sucks to you. I am nnot gonna change. My freinds, as I have said earlier, are important to me, and If you take me on, you take them, by druidry, Alfies, as well.
I think, after a nights reflection, that it is for the best.
right, got to move my front room around to acommadate the new toy...

Tuesday eas

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The earth didn't move...

Well, last night happened. We came face to face, we were both scared, but we did it. we hugged, we cried, we laughed, and we gave each other that proper closure we both needed - I am glad to say that the earth didn't move for me, and I know it didn't for you. That was good - hopefully now we can move on and be best freinds again, I miss all of the gang, and can't wait to be back in their lives agian.
It will be hard at first I think - seeing the pair of them together, BUT I know that it is for the best. hopefully by that time, things will have on a bit further with me and my someone, if it continues like it is, then that will be good, but we will have to wait and see.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Valentines night, pt 2.

well, The lonliness dissapeared for me about 11pm. you let me know what you wanted, and I surprised myself by being the same as what I want. just thios week to go, then we can meet, and then, well who knows what will happen, but I am loooking forward to finding out.

Other matters are going in good directions as well, again I am unable to be too public, those who know, know, but I am much more optimistic about things right now - the world is beginning to go right.

Freindships, as I have said, are not things that I take lightly, and if what comes out of this is that everybody is really good freinds then that would be perfect. There are a couple of the players that I hope can be kept under control - their brand of poison and hatred has shoked me the most, and they are not playing any further part in my life. I don't need that. I just have to keep the feelings about that away from my girls though.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Valentines Day

Apparantly, I am desirable...still alone tonight though .

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

bad news, good news

Well, after today, My mood has darkened a bit. Things that were supposed to me sorted out today, so we all could move on have not been, thanks to the attitude of the officials who could be arsed to work because of the snow last week. I am there fore waiting for another 3 weeks, before I can talk to G, and that situation is forced on us, and is intolerable. I need to speak to her face to face, so we can see that we are still freinds - a twenty year freindship isn't something I wish to end over this, and I don't think it will.
On the positive side, my two favorite people both got in touch with me to see how it went today, and I am thankful that such people exist in my life. I am enjoy the freindship of J for what is is, and looking forward to see what lies on the road ahead with v, it will be a fun journey I think.

Monday, 9 February 2009

Settling down

Right Kids have gone back today, house has returned to quiet again. Thinga are settling down into a nice routine.
So, I am now wondering what it all means, I am a complete internet junkie - Can't go without my fix of the social network sites and forums, does this make me sad and pathetic, unable to deal with the real world? Well, three of the people I am closest to at the moment, (apart from one phone when this all started) I have never physically met!! conversations are all online, or text, and yet I am proud to call them my closest and dearest freinds. Through thhe t'internet, I have got involved with - a very real organisation, offering assistance to those who have lost their beloved pet. Also, I have made the desiscion about harrogate in no small part thanks to t'internet.
Is that real of fake world? this is the 21st century, and this is another facet of life.
It is no subsitute,however for the physical closeness of being with someone, of touching them, of feeling their breath on you cheek, but for now, it is the best I have got...and that is ok by me.

As to the perspective thing, That has been sorted too, I think. The right people are in the right places in my life, and the moment is there to be enjoyed.

(still need a shag though)

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Barman, A pint of perspective please.

That's what I need, perspective...I need to focus - yeterday was good, was fun, but did it feel right? I don't know, I need time still I think, I need to make it up with someone while I still can, cue an email later. Need to tell someone to slow down...Ronnie make the right choices, and I don't think that I am at the mo....

Monday, 2 February 2009

Let it snow....

OK, weird day today, Had to go to a meeting in tun wells, only to get there and find that the person I was supposed to be meeting could make it because of the phone call to me, just that. It pisses me off that that has happened, as it will set things back a lot.

It is snowing still, and I am missing the kids like billyo - I always play in the snow with them the first year that I haven't and It is sooo hard today.

Still glad to get back to the the long man yesterday, taking care of my spiritual side again, that has been neglected this past year. A whole year has passed since I was there last time, maybe it is a fitting time to come back, on Bigids celebration - one side in the past, in winter, and one side looking towards spring and rebirth.
(By 'eck it was cold though)

Other matters are calling meas well, Putting me in a place which I am not sure I get, this time, I will listen to Ronnie, and do what he wants, I'm just not sure what that is, I may find out on weds.

Saturday, 31 January 2009

So, The kids have gone, and the house once again falls silent. What has astouded me is how easy I have got used to the going, how I value my time with them, buit how I am beginning to enjoy my own space. I am able to be myself again which is good.

The second thingto have struck me is how well HIM and I are getting on now - really just as before, It is obvious that the kids love him, which is awkward, but good - it means, I think, that we will all get along.

So, what else am I doing? well, I am starting to involve myself more in a couple of doggie charities, terrierrescue, and another one local to me - I think I need this, my stuff.
plus...well, that will wait for another time, once I have worked it out, I will explain it.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Aces High

Right, At the mo, it all seems to be going Ronnie's way. having my girls again for a few days, they come today, you are still talking to me (and we can do it without any awkwarsness) and another someone seems to be onn the horizen maybe. I am just taking stuff as it comes, and will enjoy seeing what happens.....I know I will be brought down with a bump in a few weeks - this is one hell of a roller coaster, but I am enjoying life.

Right, I dragged this outrevised it, mapped out a breif idea of where I wanted to go with it, I need to do some resserch but I think It could work. It was written after watching the turpin based "Most Haunted" years ago...

“…And you will be taken from this place, to a place of execution, and Hung by the neck until you are dead”
Turpin lay in his cell, hearing the words spoken by the judge echoing round in his head. The finality of them. He of course had an idea of the outcome of the trial – when people he thought he could rely on failed to give him a character reference, he knew that the chances of a good outcome were slim.
He sat back on the bed and took in his surroundings – the dim light showing the shabby stone gaol, where so many before were brought to face their fate. “Still,” he thought “I’ll give them an ‘angin to remember, eh” – he looked at his clothes, a new suit, paid for by what was left of his money, would ensure that the legend would continue. Dick Turpin would go down with a smile on his face, he would die in the manner of the legend he was becoming, a Dandy highwayman, a lover and a rogue, rather the filthy common criminal he was.

any ideas?

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Vampires, La Beckinsale and

Well, today was a day all about getting back to myself - starting the job hunt, confirming arrangements for My Girls this week, and the weeks highlight - Going to see "Underworld 3" with an old friend. Kate beckinsale is yummy, and vampires are one of the most erotic concepts, so I am feeling good right now.
My relationship with him is improving - it is getting back to nearly what is was before, which can only be a positive thing. - I am trying not to allow myself to get a chip on my shoulder about it all - that will not help the situation, instead I am trying to be calm and relexed about it now, Things are starting to get on an even keel with my seeing the girls, and I have no reason to be mad - what happened happened. I am happier for it having happened - tonight proved that.
Also, I will be back at the Long man this sunday - and will be able to stay for a few jars afterwards without worrying about the time, and actually be more of a part of the Goredd...
I am beginning to see the sense behind Wu Wei’ one of the main principles of Taoism. That of non-action or going with the flow - it is helping my headspace here LOTS. I have to that a good freind of mine for getting me to understand that.


Monday, 26 January 2009

Four o clock in the morning, and still we cannot sleep...*

Right, morning campers. another insomniac post, two things I need to vent.
1) Had a geat weekend with the Girls, have arranged next saturday - suits me as I have a Druid thang on Sunday - I need to get back to that.
Preliminary discussions with him, have produced a once a fortnight proposal - I am not happy with that - As a Father, that is not on. once I have posted, I will come back with a counter sugestion, one much more free flowing. which I hope will suit all of us, and our lives.

2) now the me thing. (I know you are reading this. I am just venting here, please don't worry, It will not affect what we discussed last night. I am cool with that - I read your blog, I know I was that curve ball.)
It was a mad couple of days, and what I thought was comming out of it has lifted me for the past couple of weeks. I fully accept what has been said, but once agin, I am feeling a little bit like no-one is actually asking what Ronnie wants. Freinds are one of my big 3 - Family and Honour being the other two -, and I am happy to come out of all of this the way I have done, but forgive me If I can't help wondering what if... as I said, I am letting off, so I can go back to sleep.

Right I have said my piece, I need to focus again, (and maybe sleep for what is left of the night.)
(*New Model army, no rest for the wicked)

Thursday, 22 January 2009

the good news

Well, the solicitors don't waste any time. 24 hours after a letter went from my solicitor to her, her solicitors reesponded, and.....


yes, I am so made up, I am really pleased. I know it won't be easy, giving them back on sunday, but it is a start. I need to toe the line and behave, and hopefully, in a few weeks, the whole situation will be a lot easier.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009


Right, that is today done with. I have to be sketchy with the details for one, I am not proud of what went on, and for two, I may harm me further to give you specifics. Those who know them, know them...

But the affects can be known. I still can only contact for the KIds through Solicitors, and I am impressed by the speed of mine that the letter has gone out hours after my phone call.

I miss them like crazy, but I accept that I have to be patient - It is my fault that I am in the mess with this, and I have to deal with that, and know that good times will be ahead.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

one down....

Right, thats today done. I have now engaged the servives of a damn good solicitor, just asa a back-up in case the nice approach to sorting out in the interim fails. I do not want to go down that route, but I need to make sure I am ready to respond if I have to.

Tommorrow is too scary to think about....

And I need to know where I stand on other matters as well.

Sunday, 18 January 2009

New SpringWidget

hopes and fears.

OK, two things - the bad stuff and the good stuff.

First the bad stuff. Next week is looming, and I am dreading it. It is a really scarey week, with stuff going on that frightens me. Tuesday, I meet with the Solicitor to discuss the preventative steps order, and my reaction to it. Wednesday will be a nightnare, I can't put the detail on here just yet, but the people who know know.Thursday as well will be tough. All in all, I will be glad when that is all over.
Hopefully the weekend will see me having the kids for the first time since this all started. Please, don't mention the A word, it is horrible.
Monday, well, monday should be good, in whatever way.

Right, now the forward bit....I have booked the Site I shall be staying on in JUly when I attend the Crime festival in Harrogate. the countdown begins...

I may see you there...

Thursday, 15 January 2009

What are you doing to me?

OK, So, a sea change in her today. She has kicked out the mediation idea, and gone down a solicitors to get a preventative steps order to stop me taking the Children. Thats great, I now have gone and secured a solicitor, and need to work through My response.

I do not want to use the kids as a football in all of this, and want to, hope to, have an amicable relationship with with The ex and the new man, (see, no longer Bitch and scumbag) in order to maintain closer links with My babies.

I have be reassured about the motives for this, I don't think I understand, but I am trying to. I just want to move forward, and next week will mark the watershed in terms of that. I have stuff going on mon, tues, weds and thurs, hopefully by friday it will all be clear, and I, we can begin to move forward.

I bear no ill will, or any malice, I hope that you feel the same.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Epiphany time

So, It all Finally hit me yesterday, and I suddenly felt like another weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Stuff I have found out, my actions etc, all have slotted into place, and I now feel better about it.
To Start with, despite former angry rumblings last week, I couldn't think of a better bloke to be looking after my kids, that him, (after me of course). I am not worried about that aspect all all.
Secomdly, His ex saw what was developing between them and gave her blessing, it was about the same time as I started feeling unconcortable about it all, and slowly withdrew fron it all, I think when I Started to do that, I started to mourn our reletionship endind - I did the watching TV drinking till late on my own, and began to seek out stuff to do without her, and began to think well , if she wants me, she knowa where I am...
It was the manner of the departure and the rumbling aftereffects that do still hurt, But I am sure that that will improve.
That is why, I think that I feel the way I do about people and places now - If have spent the past few months "getting over" the relationship, I am over the shock, and now I am ready to move forwards...maybe alone, hopefully with someone else, lets just wait and see.

(Is that another ace)

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

How long....

How long is it going to take!!!

Just had the mediation guy on the phone, he has a meeting arranged with Her , which is good , but not until next monday, which means I have another week to go, before I even know what access I am going to get - Gods, that hurts, a whole week to wait, and then I don't even know what will happen, but I suppose it is progress.

She still holds the cards at the moment, But I feel positive, progress is progress, The other stuff going on is good too, I think am I allowed to wish for happiness?

I just want my babies.

Monday, 12 January 2009


Crikey, what a weekend. I am missing my girls like crazy, and the paranoia is creeping in - what has she told them, about why Daddy has not seen them ? Is she starting to poison them against me? after her actions, I wonder.
It is, I suppose my fault. Due to the way events panned out, I can only make contact via mediation/solicitors, which is ok, but takes so bloody long. I am climbing the walls at the mo, trying NOT to do stupid stuff that will cause further problems.
I just want them to know that Daddy loves them, and always will, and that he misses them like fury. I just hope they miss me as much.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

THis Viral Meme thingie thats doing the rounds.

OK, there is a Meme thingie going round the Web, where you list 16 previously unknowm things about youself, then tag 16 people to do the, here goes...

1) My Goatee is part of my identity - I have had it all my adult life, and I don't feel me without it.

2)I am much happier walking the fells, hills, mountains and morlands of the UK, than sitting by the pool in a "fuurn part..." I just don't see the point.

3) As a child, I wanted to be a Chef

4) Deep down, I am a romantic - I can cry at a sad film,

5) My Children ARE my life.

6) My Ambition is to walk the whole coastline of the UK - following in the footsteps of Richard and Shally hunt.

7) I hate theme parks, Butlins and cheesy pop music.

8) As a teenager I wanted to be an archaelogist

9) I have a really bad car history.

10)I gave up smoking 4 years ago.

11) I am discovering Facebook's addictive side
and enjoying it.

12) I was once friendly in a casual aquaintance way with Tom Baker...

13)...and was Jeff beck's milkman.

14) Honesty is the thing that I value most in a person.

15) I am a Huge fan of the Rocky horror show

16) My religion is really important to me

OK, Had to drag those out a bit, but I think that is the list.I am supposed to now tag 16 people to do the same, oif you go, think of yours then...

Saturday, 10 January 2009

What a difference a day makes....

This morning, I woke up with a smile on my face, for the first time since it happened. I'm still smiling now. Don't get me wrong, the other stuff is still there, but for now I am smiling.

(did you see, I think I sneaked another Ace)

Friday, 9 January 2009

To Sleep, perchance to dream

Right, It is on day 7. I haven't so much got up, as given up. THe same dream with different settings, keeps waking me up, and now I can't be bothered to go back to sleep. I need to get this out of my system, and maybe later I will get my head down.
I keep dreaming that she is tring to get back together, or that we haven't been apart, of just of her. That she has brought the kids back to me, that she is in full on vamp mode, seductress supreme for my benefit once again. It is the first time I have dreamt like that, and it was horrible.
I woke up and for a minuite thought that the lump in the bed next to me was youngest - she had a habit of comming into our bed, of cuddling up in the wee small hours - but it wasn't, it was just the Dog.
Now I am sittuing here thinking Does she crawl into their bed, does she cuddle up to HIM when she is at work, He can't do that, that is my Job.
Right now, I would give anythiung to have that cuddle.
Right, That is out. There are other thoughts to, happier ones. Stuff that fills my head as I go to sleep Possible futures, Happiness, stuff at at the moment gives me reason to smile, and think that life wll improve. Stuff I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the rooftops, but I will shout that another time. Right now, It is good that it is my stuff, and mine alone.
Look, I am smiling again

Thursday, 8 January 2009

The only way is up

I was thinking about things, on the Bus today, about how I was going to look back on these post in a years time, and wonder if Things ever got so bleak, when I was hit by another piece of bad news - I was laid off.
Thats it, then, things have officially reached their lowest ebb. Just after speaking to the mediation guy, who said not to expect instant contact from her, and having once again to bare my soul and tell all, I get a phone call, I asked whyy they wanted to see me, even though I knew what it was, and they told me. I don't blame them, tough desisisioms have to me made.
In a way a descision has been made for me - the how do I balance sorting this situation out whilst fighting to impress and keep my job. I now don't have to worry about that, but can move on. - Where to, that is the problem.
So, right now I am in a low place, everything has changed in that I haven't got that security too fall back on, I n less than a week, my happy life has turned upside down completely.
I don't know weather I hate her, or weather I just feel nothing. After 13 years, and two children, the ultimate beytrayal was not the leaving, but the fact that she couldn't sit down and discuss things like Adults, but had to go behind my back, and let me catch her in the act of taking her stuff.
Its the fact that this will change my relationship with the kids that I find hardest. to me a father is someone who works, comes home, plays etc with the kids, tucks them in, and is a day-to day part of there lives. It's an all in situation. I now have to adapt to a different kind of fatherhood, and at the moment I don't know how to do that.
She didn't have to do that. We could have sorted it out in a way where both agreed on what to do and how we were going to do it, but she showed me scant respect. What else will wait down the line....

onwards and upwards Ronnie, onwards and upwards...

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Cheating at cards.

Why Cheating at cards...well..
I feel like I have been dealt a poor hand at the moment, and with the car today, another low card was dealt.
I am no good at bluffing, my emotions are always visible, so I need to slip a few aces from the deck while no-one notices. If you are very careful, you may just catch me. I already have my first, bet THEY didn't see that comming.

so, here are a few more I am trying for.

1) Taking Eldest too football at the end of the month.

2) Being able to be a good father to the pair of them

3) Harrogate 2009

4) Working for me, not the mortgage.

5) happiness.

If I am quick enough, they may sneak out.

Friends or fiends

So, to the hard part. The part where I tell what happened on the day my world fell apart. In a nutshell its simple, My wife of 11 years left me and took the kids, for my best freind., with his ex in support. weird huh...
that 3 people I thought were good friends could do something like that. We were freinds, we went to concerts' show and movies together. Our kids played together, we even went on holiday together...does that define a freind?

Or is a friend someone who, despite not being able to speak to for four years, simply says talk to me. Someone who has only known for a few weeks, but will pick up the phone and says i'm here for you..
Jo says it best..
"you are my friend. Unless you do something like try & come between me and the things that I love I will be there for you."

Which side of that line do you fall on....

Endings...and beginnings

Well, where do I start, so much has gone on this past week, that I really do not know. where to begin. exept to say that the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
I have never blogged before, and I really am not sure how this will turn out, just a digest of my thoughts, hopes and fears does anybody want to read that.
My favorite poet would have loved this. on here, she would be read, and shown the admiration in life that she only gained in death, so I think it would be a good place to start really, ...

Hello, I'm nobody
are you nobody too!
Don't tell anybody
they'd banish us you know.

How dreary to be a somebody
How public, like a frog
to tell you name, the lifelong june
to an admiring bog.

(Emily Dickinson)

well, thats all for now, later I will tell you about the separation, and other stuff, work, family, freinds, and other random musings, but, its late, i'm tired and have a busy day tomorrow,