So, The kids have gone, and the house once again falls silent. What has astouded me is how easy I have got used to the going, how I value my time with them, buit how I am beginning to enjoy my own space. I am able to be myself again which is good.

The second thingto have struck me is how well HIM and I are getting on now - really just as before, It is obvious that the kids love him, which is awkward, but good - it means, I think, that we will all get along.

So, what else am I doing? well, I am starting to involve myself more in a couple of doggie charities, terrierrescue, and another one local to me - I think I need this, my stuff.
plus...well, that will wait for another time, once I have worked it out, I will explain it.

Aces High

Right, At the mo, it all seems to be going Ronnie's way. having my girls again for a few days, they come today, you are still talking to me (and we can do it without any awkwarsness) and another someone seems to be onn the horizen maybe. I am just taking stuff as it comes, and will enjoy seeing what happens.....I know I will be brought down with a bump in a few weeks - this is one hell of a roller coaster, but I am enjoying life.

Right, I dragged this outrevised it, mapped out a breif idea of where I wanted to go with it, I need to do some resserch but I think It could work. It was written after watching the turpin based "Most Haunted" years ago...


“…And you will be taken from this place, to a place of execution, and Hung by the neck until you are dead”
Turpin lay in his cell, hearing the words spoken by the judge echoing round in his head. The finality of them. He of course had an idea of the outcome of the trial – when people he thought he could rely on failed to give him a character reference, he knew that the chances of a good outcome were slim.
He sat back on the bed and took in his surroundings – the dim light showing the shabby stone gaol, where so many before were brought to face their fate. “Still,” he thought “I’ll give them an ‘angin to remember, eh” – he looked at his clothes, a new suit, paid for by what was left of his money, would ensure that the legend would continue. Dick Turpin would go down with a smile on his face, he would die in the manner of the legend he was becoming, a Dandy highwayman, a lover and a rogue, rather the filthy common criminal he was.
any ideas?

Vampires, La Beckinsale and

Well, today was a day all about getting back to myself - starting the job hunt, confirming arrangements for My Girls this week, and the weeks highlight - Going to see "Underworld 3" with an old friend. Kate beckinsale is yummy, and vampires are one of the most erotic concepts, so I am feeling good right now.
My relationship with him is improving - it is getting back to nearly what is was before, which can only be a positive thing. - I am trying not to allow myself to get a chip on my shoulder about it all - that will not help the situation, instead I am trying to be calm and relexed about it now, Things are starting to get on an even keel with my seeing the girls, and I have no reason to be mad - what happened happened. I am happier for it having happened - tonight proved that.
Also, I will be back at the Long man this sunday - and will be able to stay for a few jars afterwards without worrying about the time, and actually be more of a part of the Goredd...
I am beginning to see the sense behind Wu Wei’ one of the main principles of Taoism. That of non-action or going with the flow - it is helping my headspace here LOTS. I have to that a good freind of mine for getting me to understand that.

ttfn

Four o clock in the morning, and still we cannot sleep...*

Right, morning campers. another insomniac post, two things I need to vent.
1) Had a geat weekend with the Girls, have arranged next saturday - suits me as I have a Druid thang on Sunday - I need to get back to that.
Preliminary discussions with him, have produced a once a fortnight proposal - I am not happy with that - As a Father, that is not on. once I have posted, I will come back with a counter sugestion, one much more free flowing. which I hope will suit all of us, and our lives.

2) now the me thing. (I know you are reading this. I am just venting here, please don't worry, It will not affect what we discussed last night. I am cool with that - I read your blog, I know I was that curve ball.)
It was a mad couple of days, and what I thought was comming out of it has lifted me for the past couple of weeks. I fully accept what has been said, but once agin, I am feeling a little bit like no-one is actually asking what Ronnie wants. Freinds are one of my big 3 - Family and Honour being the other two -, and I am happy to come out of all of this the way I have done, but forgive me If I can't help wondering what if... as I said, I am letting off, so I can go back to sleep.

Right I have said my piece, I need to focus again, (and maybe sleep for what is left of the night.)
(*New Model army, no rest for the wicked)

the good news

Well, the solicitors don't waste any time. 24 hours after a letter went from my solicitor to her, her solicitors reesponded, and.....

I HAVE MY GIRLS FOR THE WEEKEND,

yes, I am so made up, I am really pleased. I know it won't be easy, giving them back on sunday, but it is a start. I need to toe the line and behave, and hopefully, in a few weeks, the whole situation will be a lot easier.

Wednesday

Right, that is today done with. I have to be sketchy with the details for one, I am not proud of what went on, and for two, I may harm me further to give you specifics. Those who know them, know them...

But the affects can be known. I still can only contact for the KIds through Solicitors, and I am impressed by the speed of mine that the letter has gone out hours after my phone call.

I miss them like crazy, but I accept that I have to be patient - It is my fault that I am in the mess with this, and I have to deal with that, and know that good times will be ahead.

one down....

Right, thats today done. I have now engaged the servives of a damn good solicitor, just asa a back-up in case the nice approach to sorting out in the interim fails. I do not want to go down that route, but I need to make sure I am ready to respond if I have to.

Tommorrow is too scary to think about....

And I need to know where I stand on other matters as well.

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hopes and fears.

OK, two things - the bad stuff and the good stuff.

First the bad stuff. Next week is looming, and I am dreading it. It is a really scarey week, with stuff going on that frightens me. Tuesday, I meet with the Solicitor to discuss the preventative steps order, and my reaction to it. Wednesday will be a nightnare, I can't put the detail on here just yet, but the people who know know.Thursday as well will be tough. All in all, I will be glad when that is all over.
Hopefully the weekend will see me having the kids for the first time since this all started. Please, don't mention the A word, it is horrible.
Monday, well, monday should be good, in whatever way.

Right, now the forward bit....I have booked the Site I shall be staying on in JUly when I attend the Crime festival in Harrogate. the countdown begins...

I may see you there...

What are you doing to me?

OK, So, a sea change in her today. She has kicked out the mediation idea, and gone down a solicitors to get a preventative steps order to stop me taking the Children. Thats great, I now have gone and secured a solicitor, and need to work through My response.

I do not want to use the kids as a football in all of this, and want to, hope to, have an amicable relationship with with The ex and the new man, (see, no longer Bitch and scumbag) in order to maintain closer links with My babies.

I have be reassured about the motives for this, I don't think I understand, but I am trying to. I just want to move forward, and next week will mark the watershed in terms of that. I have stuff going on mon, tues, weds and thurs, hopefully by friday it will all be clear, and I, we can begin to move forward.

I bear no ill will, or any malice, I hope that you feel the same.

Epiphany time

So, It all Finally hit me yesterday, and I suddenly felt like another weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Stuff I have found out, my actions etc, all have slotted into place, and I now feel better about it.
To Start with, despite former angry rumblings last week, I couldn't think of a better bloke to be looking after my kids, that him, (after me of course). I am not worried about that aspect all all.
Secomdly, His ex saw what was developing between them and gave her blessing, it was about the same time as I started feeling unconcortable about it all, and slowly withdrew fron it all, I think when I Started to do that, I started to mourn our reletionship endind - I did the watching TV drinking till late on my own, and began to seek out stuff to do without her, and began to think well , if she wants me, she knowa where I am...
It was the manner of the departure and the rumbling aftereffects that do still hurt, But I am sure that that will improve.
That is why, I think that I feel the way I do about people and places now - If have spent the past few months "getting over" the relationship, I am over the shock, and now I am ready to move forwards...maybe alone, hopefully with someone else, lets just wait and see.




(Is that another ace)

How long....

How long is it going to take!!!

Just had the mediation guy on the phone, he has a meeting arranged with Her , which is good , but not until next monday, which means I have another week to go, before I even know what access I am going to get - Gods, that hurts, a whole week to wait, and then I don't even know what will happen, but I suppose it is progress.

She still holds the cards at the moment, But I feel positive, progress is progress, The other stuff going on is good too, I think am I allowed to wish for happiness?

I just want my babies.

Weekend

Crikey, what a weekend. I am missing my girls like crazy, and the paranoia is creeping in - what has she told them, about why Daddy has not seen them ? Is she starting to poison them against me? after her actions, I wonder.
It is, I suppose my fault. Due to the way events panned out, I can only make contact via mediation/solicitors, which is ok, but takes so bloody long. I am climbing the walls at the mo, trying NOT to do stupid stuff that will cause further problems.
I just want them to know that Daddy loves them, and always will, and that he misses them like fury. I just hope they miss me as much.

THis Viral Meme thingie thats doing the rounds.

OK, there is a Meme thingie going round the Web, where you list 16 previously unknowm things about youself, then tag 16 people to do the same...so, here goes...

1) My Goatee is part of my identity - I have had it all my adult life, and I don't feel me without it.

2)I am much happier walking the fells, hills, mountains and morlands of the UK, than sitting by the pool in a "fuurn part..." I just don't see the point.

3) As a child, I wanted to be a Chef

4) Deep down, I am a romantic - I can cry at a sad film,

5) My Children ARE my life.

6) My Ambition is to walk the whole coastline of the UK - following in the footsteps of Richard and Shally hunt.

7) I hate theme parks, Butlins and cheesy pop music.

8) As a teenager I wanted to be an archaelogist

9) I have a really bad car history.

10)I gave up smoking 4 years ago.

11) I am discovering Facebook's addictive side
and enjoying it.

12) I was once friendly in a casual aquaintance way with Tom Baker...

13)...and was Jeff beck's milkman.

14) Honesty is the thing that I value most in a person.

15) I am a Huge fan of the Rocky horror show

16) My religion is really important to me

OK, Had to drag those out a bit, but I think that is the list.I am supposed to now tag 16 people to do the same, oif you go, think of yours then...

What a difference a day makes....

This morning, I woke up with a smile on my face, for the first time since it happened. I'm still smiling now. Don't get me wrong, the other stuff is still there, but for now I am smiling.






(did you see, I think I sneaked another Ace)

To Sleep, perchance to dream

Right, It is 6.am on day 7. I haven't so much got up, as given up. THe same dream with different settings, keeps waking me up, and now I can't be bothered to go back to sleep. I need to get this out of my system, and maybe later I will get my head down.
I keep dreaming that she is tring to get back together, or that we haven't been apart, of just of her. That she has brought the kids back to me, that she is in full on vamp mode, seductress supreme for my benefit once again. It is the first time I have dreamt like that, and it was horrible.
I woke up and for a minuite thought that the lump in the bed next to me was youngest - she had a habit of comming into our bed, of cuddling up in the wee small hours - but it wasn't, it was just the Dog.
Now I am sittuing here thinking Does she crawl into their bed, does she cuddle up to HIM when she is at work, He can't do that, that is my Job.
Right now, I would give anythiung to have that cuddle.
Right, That is out. There are other thoughts to, happier ones. Stuff that fills my head as I go to sleep Possible futures, Happiness, stuff at at the moment gives me reason to smile, and think that life wll improve. Stuff I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the rooftops, but I will shout that another time. Right now, It is good that it is my stuff, and mine alone.
Look, I am smiling again

The only way is up

I was thinking about things, on the Bus today, about how I was going to look back on these post in a years time, and wonder if Things ever got so bleak, when I was hit by another piece of bad news - I was laid off.
Thats it, then, things have officially reached their lowest ebb. Just after speaking to the mediation guy, who said not to expect instant contact from her, and having once again to bare my soul and tell all, I get a phone call, I asked whyy they wanted to see me, even though I knew what it was, and they told me. I don't blame them, tough desisisioms have to me made.
In a way a descision has been made for me - the how do I balance sorting this situation out whilst fighting to impress and keep my job. I now don't have to worry about that, but can move on. - Where to, that is the problem.
So, right now I am in a low place, everything has changed in that I haven't got that security too fall back on, I n less than a week, my happy life has turned upside down completely.
I don't know weather I hate her, or weather I just feel nothing. After 13 years, and two children, the ultimate beytrayal was not the leaving, but the fact that she couldn't sit down and discuss things like Adults, but had to go behind my back, and let me catch her in the act of taking her stuff.
Its the fact that this will change my relationship with the kids that I find hardest. to me a father is someone who works, comes home, plays etc with the kids, tucks them in, and is a day-to day part of there lives. It's an all in situation. I now have to adapt to a different kind of fatherhood, and at the moment I don't know how to do that.
She didn't have to do that. We could have sorted it out in a way where both agreed on what to do and how we were going to do it, but she showed me scant respect. What else will wait down the line....

onwards and upwards Ronnie, onwards and upwards...

Cheating at cards.

Why Cheating at cards...well..
I feel like I have been dealt a poor hand at the moment, and with the car today, another low card was dealt.
I am no good at bluffing, my emotions are always visible, so I need to slip a few aces from the deck while no-one notices. If you are very careful, you may just catch me. I already have my first, bet THEY didn't see that comming.

so, here are a few more I am trying for.

1) Taking Eldest too football at the end of the month.

2) Being able to be a good father to the pair of them

3) Harrogate 2009

4) Working for me, not the mortgage.

5) happiness.

If I am quick enough, they may sneak out.

Friends or fiends

So, to the hard part. The part where I tell what happened on the day my world fell apart. In a nutshell its simple, My wife of 11 years left me and took the kids, for my best freind., with his ex in support. weird huh...
that 3 people I thought were good friends could do something like that. We were freinds, we went to concerts' show and movies together. Our kids played together, we even went on holiday together...does that define a freind?

Or is a friend someone who, despite not being able to speak to for four years, simply says talk to me. Someone who has only known for a few weeks, but will pick up the phone and says i'm here for you..
Jo says it best..
"you are my friend. Unless you do something like try & come between me and the things that I love I will be there for you."

Which side of that line do you fall on....

Endings...and beginnings

Well, where do I start, so much has gone on this past week, that I really do not know. where to begin. exept to say that the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
I have never blogged before, and I really am not sure how this will turn out, just a digest of my thoughts, hopes and fears does anybody want to read that.
My favorite poet would have loved this. on here, she would be read, and shown the admiration in life that she only gained in death, so I think it would be a good place to start really, ...

Hello, I'm nobody
are you nobody too!
Don't tell anybody
they'd banish us you know.

How dreary to be a somebody
How public, like a frog
to tell you name, the lifelong june
to an admiring bog.

(Emily Dickinson)

well, thats all for now, later I will tell you about the separation, and other stuff, work, family, freinds, and other random musings, but, its late, i'm tired and have a busy day tomorrow,