Saturday, 28 February 2009

heres to the future

Well, wnet out last night, had fun, drunk lots, sat in the naughty corner and had a ciggie or two, and bloody enjoyed myself - it was nice to be relaxed again.

So, what am I thinking right now? do I feel alone? Well, NO, I don't. I know I have freinds that I can meet up with, new freinds. and the same old ones always there, so I don't feel alone - in fact, I feel less alone now than I did BEFORE the split.

So, what makes me feel strange....limbo. I am in a complete state of Limbo. I ned weds to be over, and the job situation to be resolved, so I can start to plan for myself and my future more. she is settled, and in a postion where she can move on and up, and I feel like the poor relation a bit - In the house still because it is all "in dispute"

Also, My relationship growing deeper everytime we talk. and we do talk now - over the phone, not just online anymore - one more step forward.I can't make many concrete descisions about where I am going, without wondering id .... is going to be a part of that.whole new doors are opening there for both of us, and I do think that she is someone very special. we will have to see what is going to happen, But my thoughts are already looking to that possiblity.

whats, wheres and whys dominate at the moment, and I need no more curve balls to distract me from what I want.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

roller coasters

Well, made a start on sorting the kitchen out today - we have agreed what i can get rid of and what she wants, and then I find a phot of the four of us together - me, her and the kids. Happy times, and I get upset. then the call from him - youngest has fallen over at school, and he has picked her up. I get annoyed by this - WHY - because that is my job I suppose. i got really shouty,, again, and i shouldn't have. I am trying to stop that. but once I started, I couldn't stop. I need to really apologise without the anger thing, I just felt replaced.I know I have had them all week, but even so, I can't just switch off.
I shouldn't have got angry It was over nothing

( I think I have too much testosterone, I need to get laid)

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

long time, no post

so much has happened since I have last blogged - All of it good, and I have had no time to update this.
Firstly, I have a second interview tommorw, it is a good job, and one I want, so I am hoping that it goes ok.

Secondly, My relationship with the ex and him is getting better - they have been round here, and we are really talking and freindly. I am sort of ok with it all now, but I am relaxing, and thinking Wu Wei, and. I think that well get better after the weekend though.

Why? because I am meeting someone for the first time "in the flesh" - I am really loking forward to it. Scary how quickly things have happened, and a long road to go, but It feels right.

Thursday, 19 February 2009


well, It is official, I now have a cousellor/ therapist. went to the first session just now, and immediatly started talking ans couldn't shut up.
The inevitable question - tell me about your childhood - started me off, and the reason why I turn into a tight ball of anger and rage was explored - I need more sessions, but the next one won't be for another month...i NEED IT NOW grr

So what else did we talk about...well my relationship with work, my relationship with G, but also what happened the other night, between me and V. how I am backing off, not becaise of I don't have those feelings, but because I don't want to inflict my temper on you.

The truth of the matter is, I don't know.


I think that I am going to give it all up and become a hermit....

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Tuesday, bloody Tuesday

Bloody hell, what happened yesterday. Everybody having a go at everybody else - Me and G, me and D, D,G and H, and me and V. Firstly the Me and them row - this was over what others had said - trying to dria a wedge between me and G - using the kids to do it. That pissed G off, and then when Dave daved, and Ronnie Ronnied, it all overspilled. but all patched up, and all freinds again. ( I sooo loved seeing all the kids again. it was special. and glad H and I have patched things up.)
Now to me and V. that was a row, but over, I think, the fact that she was off that a lot of my freinds are women. well, I'm sorry, Jo, Alison and G are my three best freinds, and nothin is gonna come in they way - its part of the whole package thing, I'm afraid. If you can't accept that, or can't accept that I can spend a few hours in the company of someone, and resist advances, the yah boo sucks to you. I am nnot gonna change. My freinds, as I have said earlier, are important to me, and If you take me on, you take them, by druidry, Alfies, as well.
I think, after a nights reflection, that it is for the best.
right, got to move my front room around to acommadate the new toy...

Tuesday eas

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The earth didn't move...

Well, last night happened. We came face to face, we were both scared, but we did it. we hugged, we cried, we laughed, and we gave each other that proper closure we both needed - I am glad to say that the earth didn't move for me, and I know it didn't for you. That was good - hopefully now we can move on and be best freinds again, I miss all of the gang, and can't wait to be back in their lives agian.
It will be hard at first I think - seeing the pair of them together, BUT I know that it is for the best. hopefully by that time, things will have on a bit further with me and my someone, if it continues like it is, then that will be good, but we will have to wait and see.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Valentines night, pt 2.

well, The lonliness dissapeared for me about 11pm. you let me know what you wanted, and I surprised myself by being the same as what I want. just thios week to go, then we can meet, and then, well who knows what will happen, but I am loooking forward to finding out.

Other matters are going in good directions as well, again I am unable to be too public, those who know, know, but I am much more optimistic about things right now - the world is beginning to go right.

Freindships, as I have said, are not things that I take lightly, and if what comes out of this is that everybody is really good freinds then that would be perfect. There are a couple of the players that I hope can be kept under control - their brand of poison and hatred has shoked me the most, and they are not playing any further part in my life. I don't need that. I just have to keep the feelings about that away from my girls though.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Valentines Day

Apparantly, I am desirable...still alone tonight though .

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

bad news, good news

Well, after today, My mood has darkened a bit. Things that were supposed to me sorted out today, so we all could move on have not been, thanks to the attitude of the officials who could be arsed to work because of the snow last week. I am there fore waiting for another 3 weeks, before I can talk to G, and that situation is forced on us, and is intolerable. I need to speak to her face to face, so we can see that we are still freinds - a twenty year freindship isn't something I wish to end over this, and I don't think it will.
On the positive side, my two favorite people both got in touch with me to see how it went today, and I am thankful that such people exist in my life. I am enjoy the freindship of J for what is is, and looking forward to see what lies on the road ahead with v, it will be a fun journey I think.

Monday, 9 February 2009

Settling down

Right Kids have gone back today, house has returned to quiet again. Thinga are settling down into a nice routine.
So, I am now wondering what it all means, I am a complete internet junkie - Can't go without my fix of the social network sites and forums, does this make me sad and pathetic, unable to deal with the real world? Well, three of the people I am closest to at the moment, (apart from one phone when this all started) I have never physically met!! conversations are all online, or text, and yet I am proud to call them my closest and dearest freinds. Through thhe t'internet, I have got involved with - a very real organisation, offering assistance to those who have lost their beloved pet. Also, I have made the desiscion about harrogate in no small part thanks to t'internet.
Is that real of fake world? this is the 21st century, and this is another facet of life.
It is no subsitute,however for the physical closeness of being with someone, of touching them, of feeling their breath on you cheek, but for now, it is the best I have got...and that is ok by me.

As to the perspective thing, That has been sorted too, I think. The right people are in the right places in my life, and the moment is there to be enjoyed.

(still need a shag though)

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Barman, A pint of perspective please.

That's what I need, perspective...I need to focus - yeterday was good, was fun, but did it feel right? I don't know, I need time still I think, I need to make it up with someone while I still can, cue an email later. Need to tell someone to slow down...Ronnie make the right choices, and I don't think that I am at the mo....

Monday, 2 February 2009

Let it snow....

OK, weird day today, Had to go to a meeting in tun wells, only to get there and find that the person I was supposed to be meeting could make it because of the phone call to me, just that. It pisses me off that that has happened, as it will set things back a lot.

It is snowing still, and I am missing the kids like billyo - I always play in the snow with them the first year that I haven't and It is sooo hard today.

Still glad to get back to the the long man yesterday, taking care of my spiritual side again, that has been neglected this past year. A whole year has passed since I was there last time, maybe it is a fitting time to come back, on Bigids celebration - one side in the past, in winter, and one side looking towards spring and rebirth.
(By 'eck it was cold though)

Other matters are calling meas well, Putting me in a place which I am not sure I get, this time, I will listen to Ronnie, and do what he wants, I'm just not sure what that is, I may find out on weds.