Monday, 10 October 2011

Fear and self loathing in St Leonards.

I'm a weird sort of chap, (cue sniggers) No, seriously, I am weird. And I think I know why, it's because after years of wanting one, having a design in my head, I have never had the balls to walk up to a tattooist and say "Do it. "
Right, now the laughter has died down, let me explain. It's not about the tatt, it is something that goes deeper, it's about having the balls to stop drifting, and actually go ahead and do something, something important, potentially life changing, That was my raison d'etre when I applied and took on my uni course. I emerged from the 1st year with 3 a's and a B, solid results, and encouraging for one who hasn't set foot in an educational establishment for two decades.
So, I am back, And simply, I am cracking up over it all, why? What am I afraid of? Why am I thinking of running away from it? Because that is what I do when career stuff goes right, I retreat, because retreating from a strong position is a choice, whereas carry on and fail, the choice is made for me, I have an overblown sense of my own inferiority, I walk around thinking "Oh, they will catch on sooner or later and then that is it, I'll be gone" Instead of actually say I can do this, I can make this work.
So, yeah, nothing has changed about my enjoyment of the course, it's taking me in a great direction. I have the support of a fantastic woman by my side, and yeah, I can handle the distance, "gawd bless you modern technology" so, what the hell is stopping me? Fear of the unknown? or fear of not being in control? Probably a bit of both.
So you see, getting that ink that I have wanted for ages is a symbol, A symbol that I can make that leap, I can take control of myself now by promising to lose that small amount of control over a tiny aspect.. And you know what, I have the luvverly new Mrs Soak to thank for that.....