Tuesday 31 March 2009
Scared as Shite
Well, Now today is over, all I can think about is tomorrow, and that is scaring the hell out of me. It is made worse by the fact that it is all based on lies and twists of the truth, I am hoping that the truth will comne out, but, as terry (pratchett) once said, "A lie will go around the world before the truth has its boots on" (The truth) AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM. People who know me, know it is not true of me. BUT well, I am hopefull that it will be seen that way wider.
It is all starting to get on top of me again, I thank the gods that I have such good mates, who can listen without critisism, and just be there for me, as I am for them with there problems - A sort of mutual support network.
I miss my girls sooo much, and so want to get back to playing a big role in their lives, and NO FUCKER, NO FUCKER is gonna take that from me again. I have to play the game more than I have, and swallow more than I should perhaps, but I will do that if I have to. one step at a time is what it is gonna take.
Will tell more tommorrow.
It is all starting to get on top of me again, I thank the gods that I have such good mates, who can listen without critisism, and just be there for me, as I am for them with there problems - A sort of mutual support network.
I miss my girls sooo much, and so want to get back to playing a big role in their lives, and NO FUCKER, NO FUCKER is gonna take that from me again. I have to play the game more than I have, and swallow more than I should perhaps, but I will do that if I have to. one step at a time is what it is gonna take.
Will tell more tommorrow.
Friday 27 March 2009
another week done
Well, another week over, and thing are looking up on the job front - More interviews, including a second one on tues, so gingers crossed, I may well soon be employed again.
Other matters are getting serious - more scary stuff, and thgings I can't really face - I still don't know what is gooing on, but weds hopfully will see that sorted a bit better I hope.
And then there is...... scince our joint descision, we are still getting on well, talking again more than ever, I still don't know where it will all end up, and I am looking forward to finding out, wherever that is.
Other matters are getting serious - more scary stuff, and thgings I can't really face - I still don't know what is gooing on, but weds hopfully will see that sorted a bit better I hope.
And then there is...... scince our joint descision, we are still getting on well, talking again more than ever, I still don't know where it will all end up, and I am looking forward to finding out, wherever that is.
Monday 23 March 2009
Calm Down
I have just read a "self help Book" regarding anger called Calm down by Dr paul Hauk. It is very insightful, and I would recomend it to anyone with similar problems.
What it has taught me is that the problems that |I have at the mo, and in the past, do not make my ANGRY, only FRUSTRATED. Anger is the way I deal with those frustrations. Once you can see that, then when these issues occur, you can effectivly deal with the way you feel about them, and look at other ways of controling the situation.
I have tries it out yesterday, on the way to the Druid Gathering at the Long man (thaks all, was a wonderful day as usual). A big flash point with me is oither drivers. They're were a number of times when things happened that frustrated me - a slow driver, or someone turning without signalling, that kind of thing, and whereas before, I would automatically turn angry, yesterday I paused, said to myself " This is frustratiung me, but angery will only make be more frustrated" and took a deep breath, It worked, and I had a much more enjoyable journey as a result. ...Now to apply to the other matter....that will be tougher.
On another note, because of the shit we are both dealing with, me and.... are trying to cool things down a bit to let our headspaces be clearer. It is a mutuall thing, but not because either of us have stopped the way we feel, just that the situations in both are lives are too complicated to put any more pressure on them. It is the right thing to do...I think. I don't know what will happen in the long term with it all, but right now, it is a desision made by the head, and certaintly not the heart. But still, we will see what happens.
(at the moment, I have lost all my aces....)
What it has taught me is that the problems that |I have at the mo, and in the past, do not make my ANGRY, only FRUSTRATED. Anger is the way I deal with those frustrations. Once you can see that, then when these issues occur, you can effectivly deal with the way you feel about them, and look at other ways of controling the situation.
I have tries it out yesterday, on the way to the Druid Gathering at the Long man (thaks all, was a wonderful day as usual). A big flash point with me is oither drivers. They're were a number of times when things happened that frustrated me - a slow driver, or someone turning without signalling, that kind of thing, and whereas before, I would automatically turn angry, yesterday I paused, said to myself " This is frustratiung me, but angery will only make be more frustrated" and took a deep breath, It worked, and I had a much more enjoyable journey as a result. ...Now to apply to the other matter....that will be tougher.
On another note, because of the shit we are both dealing with, me and.... are trying to cool things down a bit to let our headspaces be clearer. It is a mutuall thing, but not because either of us have stopped the way we feel, just that the situations in both are lives are too complicated to put any more pressure on them. It is the right thing to do...I think. I don't know what will happen in the long term with it all, but right now, it is a desision made by the head, and certaintly not the heart. But still, we will see what happens.
(at the moment, I have lost all my aces....)
Saturday 21 March 2009
On a lighter note...
....Spent yesterday in the company of some new freinds, and a few beers, and a bloody good time. There is a life out there I need to focus on that, and revisit my objectives again I think.
Ronnie needs.....
Ronnie needs.....
Time for self-examination Ronnie, me old son...
Well, The events going on at the moment, which I can't go into here, are leaving me scared, frightened, and angry.
I am scared, because I could end up losing everything - That is what is attempting to happen.
I am angry because words have been twisited, that events made to be worse than they were perhaps, but more at myself....
why myself? well, The root cause of my problems is me...and my temper. There, I've admitted it. It is all my fault. 90% of the time, I am the nicest, Mildest person you ever want to meet. that is the real me. BUT When I blow, Iblow big time.That is my problem. I am scary. I frighten people. I come across as the monster I am not the rest of the time. That is why I am trying to seek help, but the couselling service keeps putting off my appointments. SO I have to try and deal with it myself. Which can be tough when everything is going against me - Job, house, and of course the situation regarding my kids. I am such a wound up spring at the moment because everything is going wrong, that the monster awakes more and more. If I could put him to sleep, I would, but when people refuse to dicuss things reasonably, I can't help it, I blow more now than ever. That is my fault. despite all the lies and BS that is going on, I can't deny that once again, my temper has got the better of me.
Frightened, yes frightened that I won't get to grips with this, and that It will occur again with.....I can't let that happen. I HAVE to get to grips with this, before it destroys everything.
I am scared, because I could end up losing everything - That is what is attempting to happen.
I am angry because words have been twisited, that events made to be worse than they were perhaps, but more at myself....
why myself? well, The root cause of my problems is me...and my temper. There, I've admitted it. It is all my fault. 90% of the time, I am the nicest, Mildest person you ever want to meet. that is the real me. BUT When I blow, Iblow big time.That is my problem. I am scary. I frighten people. I come across as the monster I am not the rest of the time. That is why I am trying to seek help, but the couselling service keeps putting off my appointments. SO I have to try and deal with it myself. Which can be tough when everything is going against me - Job, house, and of course the situation regarding my kids. I am such a wound up spring at the moment because everything is going wrong, that the monster awakes more and more. If I could put him to sleep, I would, but when people refuse to dicuss things reasonably, I can't help it, I blow more now than ever. That is my fault. despite all the lies and BS that is going on, I can't deny that once again, my temper has got the better of me.
Frightened, yes frightened that I won't get to grips with this, and that It will occur again with.....I can't let that happen. I HAVE to get to grips with this, before it destroys everything.
Thursday 19 March 2009
Help me
I am upset, hurt, confused and scarred - it's all gone tits up.
Thank the Gods again for the freinds that care. you know who you are.
I don't know what is happening, and I don't know what is going on, It is scaring me silly.
Thank the Gods again for the freinds that care. you know who you are.
I don't know what is happening, and I don't know what is going on, It is scaring me silly.
Monday 16 March 2009
Kids)
OK, so why can't I let things be when it comes to the girls??? Why am I getting angry with G when I try to talk rationally about them. She says that she doesn't spend enough time with them...wel that is nonsense - sahe has them more often that I do, the fact that the evil one wants them once a month still is not my fault and not my problem. I would have said tough shit to her if it was my P's - things have changed and that means that the rules have to be rewritten. - I am bending backwards for her at the mo - taking time out of my weekend with the kids to let her have the girly bridesmaid dress with my sis - that is something that I had NO hesitation in doing. So why is she turning me down when I asked for one day, not even that, one meal with the girls extra??? I don't want to be angry and arsey over this - it is the only part of the situation that still rubs me raw - SHE left for her new fella, I am cool with that. SHE took the kids away, and is being arsey about be spending time with them - that I can't cope with at all. I am so frightened of losing them - of losing the relationship I have with them, and IAM THE INJURED PARETY HERE. it wasn't me that walked out on them - she had no bloody right to take my girls with her - it was her desisicion to leave, and that was that. I am trying to dealwith it all, but I hate the fact that I haven't got that everyday relationship with them , and also jelous as hell about the amount of time that D is able to spend with his - I WANT THE SAME TREATMENT. why canb't I....why are yopu trying to push me out of their lives - that is what it is beginning to feel like. I will tyry and remain calm when i talk to her about them...but it will not be easy.I need to try - if i am calmer, then things will return nicely again.
(Missing someone soo much right now)
(Missing someone soo much right now)
Sunday 15 March 2009
what a weekend.
OK, the bed still smells of your purfume, reminding me that you were here, that it was not some wonderful dream.
I really had a good time - being with you was so nice, and felt so right - felt like we had been together for a lot longer and I really didn't want you to go back - but you had to be back, and the kids will always come first - I agree with that.
This road we are starting is going to be a long one, and not easy - but I am sure that the journey will be good.
I really had a good time - being with you was so nice, and felt so right - felt like we had been together for a lot longer and I really didn't want you to go back - but you had to be back, and the kids will always come first - I agree with that.
This road we are starting is going to be a long one, and not easy - but I am sure that the journey will be good.
Wednesday 11 March 2009
events
Well, some big happenings in my world at the moment, that are having my head in a spin.
Firstly, I may have a Job at last - Got a weeks trial in a couple of weeks, so fingers crossed that will be and I get taken on permenantly.
Secondly, The whole thing with the Community punishment has been sorted out, and I have to do unpaid work in a local charity shop, once a week for the next 18 months or so...My fault really, Its the whole temper issue I have which overboiled. People played me knowing the reaction I would give, and much to my shame I didn't dissapoint. That will raise a whole series of issues with seeing the kids, just gotta work through them
And then there is V. The woman that means sooo much to me right now, Who just takes me for who I am, doesn't judge, just keeps being there. She is down this weekend - The first steps in a journey taking us who knows where ...but I know I am gonna enjoy the ride.
So, why do I keep losing it a bit when It comes to my girls - Why can't I help myself, when I start talking to G with the best intentions, and end up all twisted and bitter about the arrangements with the kids? Is it because I am scared of losing them? Jelouse that D has them whenever he wantts, but G won't give me that same luxery? Or feeling usurped in the father role? perhaps all three. Gods, I need my cousellor next week - that will do me some good.
Firstly, I may have a Job at last - Got a weeks trial in a couple of weeks, so fingers crossed that will be and I get taken on permenantly.
Secondly, The whole thing with the Community punishment has been sorted out, and I have to do unpaid work in a local charity shop, once a week for the next 18 months or so...My fault really, Its the whole temper issue I have which overboiled. People played me knowing the reaction I would give, and much to my shame I didn't dissapoint. That will raise a whole series of issues with seeing the kids, just gotta work through them
And then there is V. The woman that means sooo much to me right now, Who just takes me for who I am, doesn't judge, just keeps being there. She is down this weekend - The first steps in a journey taking us who knows where ...but I know I am gonna enjoy the ride.
So, why do I keep losing it a bit when It comes to my girls - Why can't I help myself, when I start talking to G with the best intentions, and end up all twisted and bitter about the arrangements with the kids? Is it because I am scared of losing them? Jelouse that D has them whenever he wantts, but G won't give me that same luxery? Or feeling usurped in the father role? perhaps all three. Gods, I need my cousellor next week - that will do me some good.
Sunday 8 March 2009
grrr moment
Why am I made to feel that I have no right to be raw and hurting that another man gets more time with my kids thatn me.
why are my in laws pure evil, and living to drive a wedge between me, her and the girls.
Why do I feel bad for wanting to spend as much time with them as I can.
why won't you stop being so bloody selfish and play fair...
I AM THEIR BLOODY FATHER
why are my in laws pure evil, and living to drive a wedge between me, her and the girls.
Why do I feel bad for wanting to spend as much time with them as I can.
why won't you stop being so bloody selfish and play fair...
I AM THEIR BLOODY FATHER
Thursday 5 March 2009
Enter the bunny of happiness
Well, It is over...the scary day. I have 18monthgs community service to do, because of what happened at the start of the year. I am not proud of it, but man enough to hold my hands up and say yes, I did it. - Just have to moive forward now....
Job interview went well - I have to make a desision, but will think over weekend on that.
And then we met - a snatched hour and at wasn't long enough, but long enough to make me realize that I want you, and that is goping to tricky, and a lot of stuff may have to change, but lets see where irt goes.
I have decided that I am not going to mention the custody thing again, It is not the right time, and the last thing I want to do is piss anybody off, and ruin things, so will let it all be and see what happens. As long as the currrent arrangements stand, I will be ok - I do see her point of view c- two hour drive late in the evening put lots of things into perspectives....
Can't wait until next weekend.
Job interview went well - I have to make a desision, but will think over weekend on that.
And then we met - a snatched hour and at wasn't long enough, but long enough to make me realize that I want you, and that is goping to tricky, and a lot of stuff may have to change, but lets see where irt goes.
I have decided that I am not going to mention the custody thing again, It is not the right time, and the last thing I want to do is piss anybody off, and ruin things, so will let it all be and see what happens. As long as the currrent arrangements stand, I will be ok - I do see her point of view c- two hour drive late in the evening put lots of things into perspectives....
Can't wait until next weekend.
Wednesday 4 March 2009
Sleeples night again
3 am and I am awake. Why? well, today is the scary day, and afterwards, I will have one less worry habging over me.
But More still on the other issue. I woke up with it on my mind, so I must be dreaming about it. I need to be on an equal footing with G wihen it comes to the children.I am their father for Chrissake. I have an equal say in what they do in how they are brought up and everything. I am not trying to deny G her right in that, so why is she doing the same to me. The best and fairest way for the whole situation to be resolved is the 50/50 custody - it is my right as a father as much as it is G's right as a mother. The fact that she even has to think about it is hurtful enough, like I am begging for scraps at her table hjaving to be content with those scraps that I am given, and that is not the right way for things to be.
I thought we were freinds still. I want to be freinds still. saturday night proved that we can be that. Why then can't this be dealt with freindly - when I thought that this was the way we are going? why did my suggestion provoke such a reaction within you. You are not soley responsible for OUR children. D doesn't enter into this now, the girls are yours and mine - and at the moment, What I periceeve as your godsdamn selfishness is tearing me apart You have the nerve to talk to me about trust....i am trying to trust you - to trust you that you are wanting to be freindly in sorting stuff out. you pushed me to talk before I was ready, before we both were ready to discuss this and knocking back they way you appear to be does nothing to ease that. How do I know that you won't backtrack on the arragements we have made...because I trust that you wont. I tyrust you. I am not trying to take the girls away, just be on an equal fotting.Why can't you try and see it my way for once - I have had to see your way enough.
Right, vent over, maybe I can sleep again
( This is My vent space, and and am entitled to say what I want on here It is home to my innermost fears and hopes - It vent so I can face the situations calmly )
But More still on the other issue. I woke up with it on my mind, so I must be dreaming about it. I need to be on an equal footing with G wihen it comes to the children.I am their father for Chrissake. I have an equal say in what they do in how they are brought up and everything. I am not trying to deny G her right in that, so why is she doing the same to me. The best and fairest way for the whole situation to be resolved is the 50/50 custody - it is my right as a father as much as it is G's right as a mother. The fact that she even has to think about it is hurtful enough, like I am begging for scraps at her table hjaving to be content with those scraps that I am given, and that is not the right way for things to be.
I thought we were freinds still. I want to be freinds still. saturday night proved that we can be that. Why then can't this be dealt with freindly - when I thought that this was the way we are going? why did my suggestion provoke such a reaction within you. You are not soley responsible for OUR children. D doesn't enter into this now, the girls are yours and mine - and at the moment, What I periceeve as your godsdamn selfishness is tearing me apart You have the nerve to talk to me about trust....i am trying to trust you - to trust you that you are wanting to be freindly in sorting stuff out. you pushed me to talk before I was ready, before we both were ready to discuss this and knocking back they way you appear to be does nothing to ease that. How do I know that you won't backtrack on the arragements we have made...because I trust that you wont. I tyrust you. I am not trying to take the girls away, just be on an equal fotting.Why can't you try and see it my way for once - I have had to see your way enough.
Right, vent over, maybe I can sleep again
( This is My vent space, and and am entitled to say what I want on here It is home to my innermost fears and hopes - It vent so I can face the situations calmly )
Tuesday 3 March 2009
too fast????
ok, so, I broached the subject today, or rather G read this and asked me. So I told her. I expected her to be ok, to say it was a workable thing, but I was wrong.she needs time to think about it, which is fair enough, I am trying not to over reacted, I nearly did again,. but I pulled mysel;f back from it.
I have wounds too - I have issues about trust - I need the kids to be on a sounder footing - the 50/50m thing - so I feel secure - I have said before that I don't know how to do the acess thing.She talks about trust -I know because of my temper, things went bad, and I accept that. BUT i need to trust her as well - esp where the relationship with the kids goes. I hope she can understand that. - I want to be freinds , freinds trust each other and don't let each other down.
On a better note, I have someone special in my life right now, It's complicated, but she makes me sooo happy and well, watch this space blog fans
I have wounds too - I have issues about trust - I need the kids to be on a sounder footing - the 50/50m thing - so I feel secure - I have said before that I don't know how to do the acess thing.She talks about trust -I know because of my temper, things went bad, and I accept that. BUT i need to trust her as well - esp where the relationship with the kids goes. I hope she can understand that. - I want to be freinds , freinds trust each other and don't let each other down.
On a better note, I have someone special in my life right now, It's complicated, but she makes me sooo happy and well, watch this space blog fans
Monday 2 March 2009
Poo's thoughtful spot
went down to the ashdown forest with the dog this afternoon, and had a nice walk, and gathered a lot of thoughts. There are still issues that I have, regarding the children and how often I see them - I really enjoyed having them for a longer period of time, I think it is less hassle for them, to have one block here, and one block there. I need to talk to G about that, but now is not the time - she is in the middle of two night shifts...I think it will work bettter anyway. dimplomacy, that is what the tarot said today, calm diplomacy.
The freindship between g and I is slowly comming back - I am jelous of the relationship that h has with them all - I want that, with G - not to be there all the time that is just weird, but that strong reindship, where the kids really benefit, that is what I am jealous of, but I know that due to the issues, that will take longer.
(I want to go to bournmouth now!!!)
The freindship between g and I is slowly comming back - I am jelous of the relationship that h has with them all - I want that, with G - not to be there all the time that is just weird, but that strong reindship, where the kids really benefit, that is what I am jealous of, but I know that due to the issues, that will take longer.
(I want to go to bournmouth now!!!)
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