Now I've upset the person I didn't want to upset.....dammit.

Scared as Shite

Well, Now today is over, all I can think about is tomorrow, and that is scaring the hell out of me. It is made worse by the fact that it is all based on lies and twists of the truth, I am hoping that the truth will comne out, but, as terry (pratchett) once said, "A lie will go around the world before the truth has its boots on" (The truth) AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM. People who know me, know it is not true of me. BUT well, I am hopefull that it will be seen that way wider.

It is all starting to get on top of me again, I thank the gods that I have such good mates, who can listen without critisism, and just be there for me, as I am for them with there problems - A sort of mutual support network.

I miss my girls sooo much, and so want to get back to playing a big role in their lives, and NO FUCKER, NO FUCKER is gonna take that from me again. I have to play the game more than I have, and swallow more than I should perhaps, but I will do that if I have to. one step at a time is what it is gonna take.

Will tell more tommorrow.

another week done

Well, another week over, and thing are looking up on the job front - More interviews, including a second one on tues, so gingers crossed, I may well soon be employed again.
Other matters are getting serious - more scary stuff, and thgings I can't really face - I still don't know what is gooing on, but weds hopfully will see that sorted a bit better I hope.

And then there is...... scince our joint descision, we are still getting on well, talking again more than ever, I still don't know where it will all end up, and I am looking forward to finding out, wherever that is.

Calm Down

I have just read a "self help Book" regarding anger called Calm down by Dr paul Hauk. It is very insightful, and I would recomend it to anyone with similar problems.

What it has taught me is that the problems that |I have at the mo, and in the past, do not make my ANGRY, only FRUSTRATED. Anger is the way I deal with those frustrations. Once you can see that, then when these issues occur, you can effectivly deal with the way you feel about them, and look at other ways of controling the situation.
I have tries it out yesterday, on the way to the Druid Gathering at the Long man (thaks all, was a wonderful day as usual). A big flash point with me is oither drivers. They're were a number of times when things happened that frustrated me - a slow driver, or someone turning without signalling, that kind of thing, and whereas before, I would automatically turn angry, yesterday I paused, said to myself " This is frustratiung me, but angery will only make be more frustrated" and took a deep breath, It worked, and I had a much more enjoyable journey as a result. ...Now to apply to the other matter....that will be tougher.

On another note, because of the shit we are both dealing with, me and.... are trying to cool things down a bit to let our headspaces be clearer. It is a mutuall thing, but not because either of us have stopped the way we feel, just that the situations in both are lives are too complicated to put any more pressure on them. It is the right thing to do...I think. I don't know what will happen in the long term with it all, but right now, it is a desision made by the head, and certaintly not the heart. But still, we will see what happens.



(at the moment, I have lost all my aces....)

On a lighter note...

....Spent yesterday in the company of some new freinds, and a few beers, and a bloody good time. There is a life out there I need to focus on that, and revisit my objectives again I think.
Ronnie needs.....

Time for self-examination Ronnie, me old son...

Well, The events going on at the moment, which I can't go into here, are leaving me scared, frightened, and angry.
I am scared, because I could end up losing everything - That is what is attempting to happen.
I am angry because words have been twisited, that events made to be worse than they were perhaps, but more at myself....
why myself? well, The root cause of my problems is me...and my temper. There, I've admitted it. It is all my fault. 90% of the time, I am the nicest, Mildest person you ever want to meet. that is the real me. BUT When I blow, Iblow big time.That is my problem. I am scary. I frighten people. I come across as the monster I am not the rest of the time. That is why I am trying to seek help, but the couselling service keeps putting off my appointments. SO I have to try and deal with it myself. Which can be tough when everything is going against me - Job, house, and of course the situation regarding my kids. I am such a wound up spring at the moment because everything is going wrong, that the monster awakes more and more. If I could put him to sleep, I would, but when people refuse to dicuss things reasonably, I can't help it, I blow more now than ever. That is my fault. despite all the lies and BS that is going on, I can't deny that once again, my temper has got the better of me.
Frightened, yes frightened that I won't get to grips with this, and that It will occur again with.....I can't let that happen. I HAVE to get to grips with this, before it destroys everything.

Help me

I am upset, hurt, confused and scarred - it's all gone tits up.

Thank the Gods again for the freinds that care. you know who you are.

I don't know what is happening, and I don't know what is going on, It is scaring me silly.