A judicious application of Hindsight.

So, Raise your hands if this is familiar to you:

You know someone for a few years, sharing interests, hopes, dreams and aspirations, and that soon turns to love, and you marry and raise children. as the years flow on, you concentrate on making that life together perfect, and try and face the problems that life throws at you together, because thats what you do.
But after a while, slowly so you don't notice, gradually you drift apart, being pulled in many different directions takes its toll, but you are to afraid to address these issues and store them up inside, swallow them deep, and pretend they don't exist, until you find yourself sitting at other ends of the sofa, hardly talking. But thats ok, that is part of Marriage, can't expect fireworks all the time, right? But is it. When the rows start creeping in more than usual, when the kids a re snapped at because both of you are fed up, when you spend evenings in different rooms to avoid discussing the big problems you face, is that ok? and all the while, freinds, family and neighbours still think you have the perfect marriage, so you put on that mask when you are out, while inside you are dying.
The rows get worse, the kids get affected, and slowly the destruct button is pressed. Both of you trying desparately to salvage the situation, because you have kids, and to split when you have kids is a step that is still frowned upon by those family and friends who still see your painted smiles, and beleive them to be real.
Sounds familiar? that is what happened to me, and it damn near destroyed me, and facing up to that caused me a lot of problems last year, but know, I look back and realize that the right descision was made bravely, and wish I had the balls to make that 18 months earlier.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing sometimes. But this is just me personally, life isn't a one size fits all thing, but each must work their own solutions out in the end. there is no right answer.

Used

Feeling used, and thinking that if people don't wanna put themselves out for me just once, why should I bother with them.

Anger vs Frustration

Right, So here the deal, I asked an old Manager for a reference for my uni app last week. this is a manager that I respected and respected me, and worked alonside for a long time, and went she went through issues with her hubby and daughter, I listened, consoled and covered for occasionly. I asked her a week ago, and on friday got a call to ask a few things, and she said that she was writing it. It is now wednesday, and nothing back yet.

My first reaction is to be angry with her. WHOA THERE RONNIE!! STEP AWAY FROM THAT WHOOP ASS CAN FOR A SEC! TAKE A BREATH AND THINK! I am not angry, I am frustrated, and getting anxious as this is the last thing I am waiting for before this form is done. Anger is an emotional response to the frustration and anxiety, and a very dangerous one. Responding to the referee with anger will not get me anywhere, it will, in fact, blow the chances of getting the reference. Anger destroys everything it touches, and is a sign that you have lost control of your emeotions. Calm detachment is required - a walk with the dog for a while, then give her a call. and explain the urgency of this is what is required.

And that is the issue, too many times in the past, I have immediatly responded to frustration with anger, and it has been a bad thing for me. now, when I feel anger, I try and pause, identify what I am really feeling is frustration, and find other ways of dealing with that frustration apart from resorting to anger. It works! I am a lot calmer, and am a lot better at dealing levelheadly with shit than I used to.

(Still get the feeling that someone is dealing from the bottom of the deck again though)

Bugger Me, I'm Back

Yup, I'm back here again, wow, a six month lay off!

Well, I had to, bit of this were being used after the wrong people found it, but now all is back on a great keel. I have good access to the kids again, and good relationship with the ex again, the evil ones (in-laws and H) are kept at arms length, I've finally sold the millstone and now am concentrating on two main things
1) Application and going back to uni.
2) Getting my novel, 50,000 words with a beginning, middle and end into a coherent story.
2) is what is my driving passion right now. It has turned from a nana entry into something that , from the responses I have got from my caged reader..NO tame readers, sorry, I don't keep them in cages, they are free range, this is something it is worth pursuing.
And that is the point of the post, I am off work through choice, have some capital enough to concentrate on those two things, and need to do this right now. JUST SOME nameless people can't see that. I am criticised for believing in myself with the Novel, told that I should be concentrating on "proper work" not lazing about, but hell, I'm thirty bloody eight, and YOU haven't even asked to read it,

OK, card wise, slipped all the aces out I think. and, for once, it is me holding the winning hand. Life, show me what you got, I'm calling 'em baby,

15 Movies in 15 minuites.

This is shamelessly nicked, from a facebook thingy, and a mates blog. think of 15 films that have stayed with you, and why. It's harder than you think, but short.

1) One of our dinosaurs is missing. First film I remember seeing in the cinema. Cranbrook regal If I remember right.

2) Star wars. Nothing else before had quite this impact. Masterpeice.

3) Empire Strikes Back. Same reason.

4) Return of the jedi. (Look, this is not that lazy, ok...)

5) The Killing fields. - the most powerful film I have ever seen. Amazing.

6) Wild at heart. John Lynch, and Nic Cage, whgen he was good and talented. Great film.

7) Resovoir Dogs. - Quentin Tarrentino, and Nowhere near as violent as the media made out.

8) Lord of the Rings, the fellowship of the ring. Unbeleivabley good adaptation.

9) LOTR the two towers. See above.

10) LOTR The retuirn of the king. Yup, samr eason as 8 and 9.

11) Blues brothers. Dan ackroyd and john belushi at their funniest.

12) Rocky Horror Picture show. - needs no ezplanation.

13) Last tango in paris. Marlon brando in a very sleezy role.

14) The devils. Ken russell, Oliver read, and naked women...what else is their.

15) Beowulf and grendel. the danish version, not the more well known one. Just a much better film.

Article in guardian online.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/aug/09/social-networking-family-friends


Read this article this morning: and feel I need to share it on here. WHY? Because it is probably the most inaccurate piece of gobshite this side of the daily mail. Do we Facebookers, etc have freinds as people we don't actually know? Look at your list, |I am sure that as with me, the vast majotity are people that you have met, either old faces from school, work etc, far flug family members or new freinds.those that I haven't met are freinds of freinds that share the same interests. It never replaces "real" contact, just enhances it when we are enable to be in their company. It really rplaces letter writing, - the contact, the sharing of the how are you, what have you beeen up to, is more immediate, and can happen more often, As a result, freindhips over distance are maintained and deepen. and it's cheeper than the phone

catch up.

Well, here I am once more, it's been 1two weeks since my last confession....

Harrogate was fantastic. The lack of funds did not spoil it for me, and was a great experience, and one I will do again next year.
I have started to write my novel...It is taking shape, and the plot is evolving as I have more ideas. I think It is good idea, and will see if I can carry it throgh, 6,000 words in, and 90 odd thousand to go...tall order , but lets see what happens.
What else is good....Well, May well have a new woman in my life, lets just say that it is going well with her at the mo, and that is suiting me well. Sooo is all well in Ronnie land, or is their clouds forming?
Sadly, yes their is. Work looking shakier by the minute, and The kids situation , well, I await sept 18th with baited breath, hopefully, will go in my favour, but we will see. Also, Money is tight, and I still have the limbo feel that I have felt ofr months. I need to sell the house, I need to just get out of here, but I can't, because SHE won't give me permission. grrr.
Sod It, let's end on happy thoughts, I am going to try and fill this a bit more with other stuff, so you have been warned......